How Nigerians feel from when they buy data to when it finishes

Everybody needs data to access the Internet. It is one of the most important and most consumed commodities in Nigeria, and this listicle describes how Nigerians feel from the point when they renew data to when it finishes.

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Towards the end (shortly before you renew), one breeze will just blow that data has finished and sometimes, body will just be doing you somehow. You start tweeting “data is expensive” tweets and tagging Buhari as the reason, as if you used it together.

When you finally renew your subscription; this is how it feels. “Let nobody stop me because what…? Because I’m back on this street!” No one can hold you back from opening pages you previously ignored during the ‘last season’. Daddy is back! Snapchat stories, Instagram Explore Page, Twitter trending, you will bask in the euphoria of all of them (whatever that means). It’s you against the world and your “data is expensive” tweets are somewhere in the past where they should be forgotten forever. Life is short, and you must enjoy it online.

Shortly after you subscribe, one week for example, you start noticing pages are loading slower than usual. Then you start hauling insults at baba Ijebu and joining mouth to drag Glo. You don’t suspect anything, after all you just subscribed.

Fast forward, you receive a notification saying “you have exhausted 80% of your data. If you want to top up …” … You are in brief shock. “Beht I just subscribed nau, why are you doing this to me?”

Anger mode is activated. You slow down from jumping upandan. You are easily triggered, getting angry after you open one of those “open for a surprise” video/picture that are actually not funny. All of a sudden Lasisi is not funny. Ladies and gentlemen, some’n just happen rai’ now … data mi ti tan.

Extra humility unlocked, you want to see if you can use the remaining 128mb for the remaining 21 days but deep inside, you know that’s impossible.

You have disabled all background apps that run on Internet, including Twitter. But your head is telling you to open the app, because Tekno might be sharing money. You consent and open it. The moment you do, you get lost on one Oloni challenge. When you find yourself, Twitter is trending #BigBumbumTwitter. Your data is finished. Good night.

Now you’ve finally exhausted your data, you decide to go natural. Before the Internet was a thing, you survived right? You decide to explore the environment. You notice that Ojuelegba Bridge has a painting under it. You notice that birds fly and cats meow. You have found peace away from the toxicity and pressure of Social Media. You make a mental note to tweet “fam, once in a while, let’s just drop our phones and enjoy nature” once you’re out of the hiatus. But soon …

On your way back from work/school, you stare out of the window, watching life pass you by. The new sites and scenes have become old, people have become uninteresting, and at a point, you can’t take it anymore, so you do a mini-sub for just that evening. No interactions, no comments, you’re just passing by, like a ghost.

Finally, you tell yourself this: “if I die I die! I am buying data, even if it means I need to spend my last cash. I cannot come and go and kill myself. This dataless life is not for me.” Shortly after, you see a clapback tweet from @Chydee on KraksTV or SavageReplies and you realize how much you have missed the Internet. So you tweet “How is this app free”?