“He only used me as a cover so nobody would suspect he was gay.”
On today’s episode of Why The Ship Sank, we spoke with Funmilayo (28, F), who shares how her two-year relationship came to an abrupt end after she discovered that the man she planned a future with was primarily interested in men and had only been using their relationship to conceal his sexuality.
Q: How did you meet him?
We met through a mutual friend in December, 2023. He was charming, respectful and very eloquent. At the time, I thought I’d finally met a decent man. We became friends first, then started dating a few months later…March 2024 to be precise.
Q: What was the relationship like at the beginning?
Honestly, it was great. He was attentive, always checking up on me and making plans for us. My friends loved him. My family loved him. There was nothing that made me think something was off.
He would even willingly give me his phone. I knew his passwords and all, and I never found anything disturbing.
Q: When did you start noticing red flags?
A few months in. He rarely initiated anything physical. At first, I thought he was just being respectful. But even after we got comfortable with each other, it didn’t change much.
He also had this particular male friend he was unusually close to. They spoke all the time. Sometimes he’d cancel plans with me because of him…but I never really read any meaning to it because he wasn’t his only close friend though. But they just seemed closer cos they stayed on the same street (at least so i thought).
Q: Did you confront him about it?
Not immediately. I didn’t want to be the insecure girlfriend. Whenever I brought it up, he never told me things like “oh, you’re overreacting”. He told me he had a traumatic experience when he was younger and he still doesn’t see himself sleeping with a lady…for now.
Emphasis on “a lady”. He didn’t say “anybody”. But to be honest, I didn’t think he meant it literally that he doesn’t want a lady but a man.
Q: So how did you find out?
It happened by accident.
One Saturday, I was at his place and he got a call. He was in the bathroom, so I picked up his phone to see who was calling. The caller ID wasn’t saved, but the picture attached to the number was a guy I’d never seen before.
A few seconds later, a message came in from the same number.
I wasn’t trying to snoop, but the preview notification was enough to make me pause. It said something like, “I miss you already.”
At first, I thought maybe it was a joke between friends…but something felt off.
When I opened the chat, I realised the messages had been deleted. The conversation only contained a few recent texts. That was strange because whoever this person was, they had clearly been talking for a while.
So I searched the number on Truecaller and found a name. Later that day, I checked his Instagram followers and found the same person. He was openly gay. This one didn’t hide his sexuality at all. So I was trying to connect the dots…like why and how could this guy be missing MY boyfriend??
I confronted him that evening…not almost immediately though.
Q: What did he say?
Initially, he tried to downplay it. He said they were just close friends. But after hours of talking, he finally admitted the truth.
He told me he’d been involved with men before we met and that he was still seeing men while we were dating…and he subtly told me but I never really thought that was what he meant.
That’s when everything started making sense.
He only used me as a cover so nobody would suspect he was gay. He was never sexually or even physically attracted to me.
Q: What did this make you?
Well… sad. Obviously. But I couldn’t stand a man who is and most likely will never be attracted to me. Plus, he was heavily into men. That was a deal-breaker.
